Saturday, March 15, 2008

Here's to the five of you:





I

You were one of the truest friends I ever had, though I don't know if you felt the same way about me. I've been very jealous of you at times, because you had such great friends and such talent. I've always told myself I look more attractive than you and that was how I was better than you. But I guess that's just my way of running away. You always catch me when I'm emo, when I'm feeling down and when I rant to you. You catch me while I'm falling down into hell, and you lift me up into this world again. At times I'm frustrated with you, but now, looking back, I think it's all worth it.





II

I guess I kinda had a lesbian crush on you. But I never really figured out whether the feelings I had for you were real or not. Was it mere infatuation? Or was it the real thing? Or was it just great friendship? I always admired you because you were so smart and pretty. You were everything I was not. You were funny when you didn't plan to be. You were serious and you were cool and suave. I was just that random person teasing you. Till now, I still don't get my feelings I had for you then. But whatever they were, right now, I treasure you as one of the greatest friends I ever had.





III

I guess you found someone new, huh?
But I still hope we can be friends.





IV

I don't remember much of that little time we spent together. I guess when I met you, I was excited. We had such common interests, and you were quite the man. Although, I had to admit, I was disappointed in how utterly stupid you were, but I guess, it didn't matter at the time. I know I was infatuated with you, partly because I was desperate, and also because I was bored. I admit I am quite the slut, and that it was cruel of me to just leave you like that. I left you hanging there on that thin thread, and I made things worse for you when I suddenly returned to talk to you just like that. I am a slut, but I really treasured that time we had together. I just hope that you'll find someone you really deserve.


V
I guess you were the only one I really kind of fell in love with. I kept telling myself it was just infatuation because you were hot and rich. You were never the kind of guy I thought I would be infatuated with. You were boring and annoying - the worst combination ever. But I remembered dreaming about you once and that really made me think.

I remembered my heart racing everytime you came online, and I always hesitated to talk to you on msn. I ended up saying rubbish and rude crap to you online, and that made me feel so embarrassed and stupid.

But you really brought out a different side of me. I never knew that I could be so aggressive and so yet easily fooled. You brought out the ambitious and overpowering side of me that I never knew I had.

I think it was probably because you never really cared about me. I'm the type of person who goes after the boys who play hard to get. But i still don't know if you were playing or not. Most likely, though, you weren't. I was stupid and foolish and a poseur. I was ridiculous and bitchy. I was fake and annoying. I became the type of person I hated the most, all because of you.

Now when I look at you again, I can still feel my heart racing, but not as fast and not as harshly. I told myself it was infatuation, but till now, I still doubt it.

I don't even know if I'm over you or not.


Let's just hope not.

My last sunset.